Annoying truths about life...

I here you. I remember Alex realizing that every woman he knew had been sexually harrassed, assaulted, and/or molested. It was a real surprise to him that this was something every woman had to deal with. He was a nice guy, and didn't treat women that way. It horrified him to realize that every women had those kinds of storries and he'd failed to notice for the first twenty years of his life.

I also remember the time I told off a drunk at U of O for hassling me. I gave him a graphic glimpse of the "woman's world," and pointed out how he'd feel if I were his mother or sister in the same situation. (Walking alone across campus in the middle of the night with three drunken guys following her and harrassing her. Would he want his sister to walk up and be friendly? Or would he want her to keep her distance, be wary, and discourage them?) When his buddies can beack from peeing in the bushes and started in again, he told them to back off. It had never occurrede to him that his behavior was threatening until I confronted him with what it looked like from my side.

Sometimes we have been doing this so long that we forget; it has become a fact of life.

• It's one reason I won't live on the first floor.


• It's one reason my telephone number is unpublished (not unlisted).


• It's one reason I find it easier to sit paranoid in front of my computer instead of going out.

It's NOT a good enough reason, though, to move in with a man. That can actually be worse. [Doesn't have to be, but it's a possibility. Been there, done that, used the teeshirt to wipe up the mess.]

It wears you down. It hurts. Just the fear of being assaulted hurts us. I had hoped that it would have changed more than it has.

By the way, most teenagers would be appalled if asked to show HIS bedroom to you. It becomes their private sanctuary. Bad enough that Mom or Dad goes in.

Franadora

Heh.

This teenager DRAGGED me to his room to show me something.

DH Note

"Reminds me of an evening psych class I had in college. The teacher was making the point that the female students were really living in a different world than the males... [snippage] ...we live in a dangerous world where you might be robbed, raped or killed at any moment. The men don't live in that world."

My father, brother, and I are not the only men I know who go to our cars in company, preferrably, with the keys in hand (specifically, the one for unlocking the door at the ready), check under the car (for two-legged rats as well as glass beer bottles under the tires - among other interesting "pranks"), and definitely check the back seat before getting in. My father always called this prudence. I've notice that most men aren't very prudent in this regard.

We are also the only men I know of who habitually wait until a guest (family member, friend, loved one, etc.) is safely in his/her car or home, plus about 30 seconds to make sure the car starts,lights come on, they don't come running back out screaming for help. My father always called this courtesy and honor. As a host, my father taught us that it was our resopnsibility to look after our guests' safety; and as a guest, it was our responsibility to show respect for our host and other guests by helping where we could - including with safety issues.

I'm not so sure that it's males and females living in different worlds as it is awareness of how easily one can be victimized (skinny, underweight, white males tend to follow the same defensive behavior pattern described above - because they [hah, "we!"] are also targets of opportunity). But that's heading into social issues that are probably better left for another conversation.

I do know this: There are a lot of men out there who are painfully aware of what women go through.

-- DH

Re: DH Note

And that is one of the reasons I love you and married you. :) (You and your family aren't alone... my Dad also does all those things, or used to...)

The men painfully aware of what women go through are often NOT college freshmen. Meriwynn had a similar situation in her self-defense class. With men coming up afterward and saying "I never knew!"

It all comes back to the aware/not aware; thinking first/just acting; knowing intellectually vs. grokking issues. I'm actually pretty sure Helen knew intellectually what her sisters and mother and friends go through. But as a 6 foot, milatary man, had never had to experience the vulnerability for herself. So when it happened, it was a shock, and she found herself asking for advice on a part of female life that she never expected to have to think about more than superficially.

Re: DH Note

When I lived in Bean Dorm at U of O, I used to walk a guy who lived there to the library at night, because frat boys were apt to jump out of cars and attack him while shouting anti-gay epithets. I was a tough street smart martial arts chick at the time and he felt so much safer walking with me.

IMO, he was straight. He also happened to be pretty, which was enough to set off multiple sets of frat boys on different nights.

Yes, some men live in my world, but I think it's rare.

Re: DH Note

and some women don't... or at least don't think they do..

i've never worried about being attacked, even before i joined the milltary, and thinking about it, i'm not sure why... i would walk thru pioneer cemetary at night because it was faster.

anyhow, i'm not saying its not a problem, i'm just saying i dont consciously think about my safety.. maybe i take steps and dont realize it..

Re: DH Note

My policy has always been to go wherever the hell I wanted and do whatever the hell I wanted. I've lived in drug neighborhoods because they are generally cheaper.

But.

I'm always alert and walk with a sense of purpose. I project the attitude that I'm perfectly willing to beat the shit out of anyone who even thinks about giving me trouble. Most purpetrators (muggers and rapists) are attracted to people who look like victims, who aren't paying attention, who look meak. I'm clearly more trouble than I'm worth.

Re: DH Note

yup... i think i do that without trying... i just had to explain to /my/ DH that i'm not the norm..

There's a solution.